A Time to Mourn
Hello everyone. Quill here and at your service. I want to talk about grief and mourning during the Samhain season. Samhain is when we remember our ancestors, celebrate their actions, and cherish the memories they left behind. While honoring ancestors is lovely, what if lighting candles and saying their names brings up strong emotions or deep sadness? This article explores how mourning is also a vital part of honoring our ancestors.
Content warning: we will talk about death, mourning, and grief. We will also share some helpful ways to cope with these tough topics.
How did my relationship with death begin?
When I was 15, my dad suddenly died. He had been sick for a long time, however, I didn't know it was serious. I hoped he would magickally recover. My dad and I were very close.
My dad was more than a parent; he was my best friend, a trusted advisor, and a teacher. I was there when he passed away and even tried to save him with CPR. At the time, I didn’t see it, but that moment pushed me to explore the spiritual side of death, family history, and grief.
As a teen, his death felt like betrayal. I was angry and felt alone. Now, after 25 years of grieving, studying death traditions, and therapy, I see death and the mourning process differently.
I cringed when my high school counselor said, “Your relationship with your father on earth is over.” Her delivery of this message seemed unbelievably cold to me. How could she possibly understand what I was going through? How could my heart resolve after the tremendous loss of my only supportive parent?
It’s 25 years later that I truly understand those words from a Pagan perspective.
What kind of emotions are processed during grief?
Well, I want to go over some emotional concepts of mourning and grief that seem like they aren’t usually explained to us as children in a non-Pagan / Christian / or secular society.
Having big emotions about the loss of a loved one is entirely normal. You may feel:
Angry
Sad
Depressed
Feeling sad about death is usually the emotion we commonly attach to the intricate process of mourning. However, mourning the loss of someone dear to us is far more complex and multi-dimensional than simply feeling a wave of sadness.
Anger that arises from the fact that the person who died is no longer physically present is completely valid, as you might be wrestling with feelings of abandonment and confusion over their absence. The circumstances of their death may also be difficult, such as a pro-longed illness, suicide, or perhaps side-effects of medications that may have made them change during the dying process.
Please consider not falling into the trap of thinking that this emotional turmoil will irreparably damage your relationship with your beloved ancestor. I truly think that they too, in the expansive realm of the afterlife, undergo a profound process of separating from the physical world, and with that transition comes an intense and intricate string of emotions that they have to navigate.
Experiencing feelings of depression can be a strong indicator that you need the support and understanding of others around you, so I encourage you to reach out to those you feel you can trust, whether it be a compassionate therapist, your close family members, or reliable friends who can lend an empathetic ear during this difficult time.
AND the lack of emotions in response to loss is ALSO completely valid and should not be dismissed. If you find yourself feeling numb or detached about the death of a cherished loved one, I want to assure you that this absence of feeling is indeed a valid experience. However, it may also be an important sign that you might benefit from some time alone to fully and thoughtfully process the complex emotions surrounding the death. Take all the time you need; it's okay not to feel okay right away.
Sometimes our brains need that time to shut down, especially if we have been caretakers or sitting alongside the dying. We need time for OUR bodies to recharge so we CAN feel. Don’t allow anyone to ever make you feel guilty for taking the time you need to recharge yourself - period.
How does a Pagan navigate the guilt felt by the death of a loved one?
Unpopular opinion: I think the concept of guilt is a Christian / Catholic emotion that can stay in Monotheism.
I do not think Pagans, given our ability to guide the courses of our own destiny, have any place for guilt.
Abandoning guilt is idea that is easier said than done in practice, so I have great compassion for those of us Pagans who still sting from the guilt programmed into us from childhood by some version of Christianity.
Not long ago, I visited a friend who works in retail. Around her neck, she had a gorgeous necklace that caught my eye for some reason. When I complimented her on it, she looked awkward.
“Oh, it holds the ashes of my mom. My family thinks I’m morbid for wearing it, however, I still miss her.”
As a fellow Pagan, I choose this moment to remind her, “Is there some kind of burning set of rules in the sky telling us what’s appropriate for mourning?”
She shook her head. I added, “There is no set time for grief. I think your necklace is a nice way of remembering the good about her time with you.”
My friend chose an amazing way to have a relationship with their mom in the spiritual realm. The necklace shows the acceptance of the death, how they treasure the memories, and the courage to face death head-on.
The use of the mourning jewelry not the only way or the “right” way to mourn, however, it is a valid way to express their sincerity. It’s amazing how many family members or random people off the street will offer up to you a negative opinion about your personal mourning journey.
Popular remarks include:
“Aren’t you over that yet?”
“It’s morbid to keep bringing that person up, they’ve been dead for years.”
“Can’t you just move on?”
Well, if it was as easy as “just moving on” everyone would do it, don’t you think?
Everyone has a different relationship with death. Some very educated and dedicated spiritual people fear death - and that’s valid, because that’s where they are on their journey.
Even very well-meaning people will try to cajole you into thinking that you should feel guilt for speaking the names of the dead, crying over their loss, or struggling with acceptance. Guilt is not a healthy emotion for anyone, so if you are feeling guilty over something, it may be time to do something about it, don’t you think?
How Can Pagans Mourn in a Healthy Way?
I don’t speak for the whole of Paganism, so this is very much an opinion, and take it as you will. I think one of our defining characteristics spiritually is that we don’t wait for a savior to help us.
We are a people of willful actions, mindful intentions, and powerful manifestations.
So here are a few healthy ways we can cope with the death of our loved ones.
Work on developing an idea about the afterlife.
In the 1999 film Dogma, Rufus, the 13th apostle said, “I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...”
I heard these words in my baby Pagan days and it stuck with me as a foundational aspect of exploring my spirituality. No matter what historical text you look at, The Bible, the Eddas, the The Vedas - all of these books are IDEAS on life and the afterlife. They were all “made up” by a human being and written down by mortal hands. Fight me, lol.
Developing an idea about the afterlife can come from researching an established tradition or making up your own idea. The fun thing about death and the afterlife is, no one can prove or disprove your idea. Death is a very subjective journey and I’ve observed that there are many ways to come to the same conclusion. We just don’t know what lies beyond the veil for us.
Consider setting up an ancestor altar
Many folk magick traditions from around the world, including European Pagans, have the concept of setting up a sacred place to honor and work with the dead. We sometimes call these sacred spaces “Ancestor altars.” In terms of set up, many established traditions will have specific rules for how the altar is presented. I tend to encourage people who are new to working with ancestors to not “overthink it.”
A clean table, mantle, or a book shelf will work just fine. If you can maintain fire safety, you can place a white candle in the center to burn. White candles are general “catch-alls” when it comes to witchcraft and are great for working with ancestors. Traditionally, a glass of water is used as an offering as well as fresh flowers. You may be as simple or elaborate in your ancestor altar creation process.
Please remember the following tips when interacting with your ancestor altar.
Keep the space clean. Do not put other clutter on the altar or household “junk.” Regularly change out the candle, water, flowers, or any other offerings you put in this space.
Interact with the space often. It can be talking to your ancestors, prayers, or reading letters you’ve written to them alloud. An exceptional speaker and Hoodoo Practitioner that I encountered at Paganicon named Doctor Beverly enlightened me that on low energy days, she would simply “knock” on the altar to show that she was acknowledging her ancestors even if she didn’t have the energy.
Place pictures or objects of your ancestors on your altar to keep your focus on them. If you’re like me, you may not have pictures of all your ancestors. You can use items that remind you of them. For example, my Sicilian ancestors were fisherman. I have boats on my altar to represent those I do not know the name of or have never met in this life.
Try not mix deities and ancestors together. Okay, if you’re low on space, you can absolutely bend this rule. In my observation, it helps my focus to have my ancestor altar seperate from my deities. If you have to have your deities and ancestors on the same altar, try to have a certain area dedicated to only the ancestors. This is a rule for focus - I am not advocating that anything negative will happen.
Cultivate a relationship with Death
Having ideas on what may lie ahead for us in the afterlife, working with your ancestors, and talking about your grief are all ways to normalize grief and make it “less scary.” Optionally, you can go a step further and develop a relationship with a death deity.
Not everyone is into working with Hades, Hel, The Morrigan or some of the more obvious deities. There are some surprising deities associated with death which include however are not limited to:
Odin - The Allfather is popular with those in the Norse traditions. Odin is an interesting character to work with for those drawn to the concept of Shadow Work. Odin can be stern and unforgiving, so please keep this in mind. Working with Odin may be extremely rewarding for those who “have to learn the hard way.” Ask me how I know… lol
Persephone - A perfect deity for those who are looking for a deity who is in transition between the realms. She is also great for teenagers and young adults because she expresses a very strong will and is loyal to her ideals.
Hekate - Like Persephone, she is associated with the Greek pantheon. Hekate is compassionate teacher in my experience and very open to people who are new to Paganism or witchcraft. Hekate is a multi-faceted Goddess who goes far beyond death.
Marzana - A Slavic (Russian) deity who is associated with fertility and also death. She may be perfect for those who are trying to cultivate a sense of continuation within the Wheel of the Year. Remember, nothing stays the same and every action in nature is a cycle. Marzana’s tie to agriculture may be a perfect reference for meditation for those who are grieving and believe in reincarnation.
In Conclusion
There are many ways to feel when you’re grieving and no emotion is invalid. What you do with that emotion, such as seeking out support, forging a relationship with your ancestors, or working with a death deity is entirely up to you. There is no room for guilt, shame, or toxic expressions in regards to feeling big emotions. As a Pagan, I think it’s your duty to yourself (and no one else) to give yourself the tools, resources, and support you need to cope with the loss of a loved one.
During this season and all other times, please know that support and resources such as this article, reading lists, and videos are available to those who reach out to the clergy of Deeply Rooted Church. Please visit the website or contact us on Facebook for more information. You are not alone. Thank for reading.
